Filters and Friends for the Journey

“…he dismisses without notice his thought, because it is his.’

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

Jim Rohn said, we’re the average of 5 people we hang around most (including ourselves) – but are we creating too much homogenity?

There have been discussions about how search engines have started homogenizing your search results – to present options you’re more likely to enjoy based on your previous browsing/searching activity. Google claims that they’re still injecting “randomness” into the content, to ensure that the results aren’t too narrow.

Essentially, they’re filtering content based on what they think you want to see, versus what someone else might see. It’s the search engine equivalent to “give them what they want, not necessarily what they need.”

It got me to thinking about how we, as heroes, need to be careful about the filters we set with the people in our circles.

Some filters allow coffee to pass through, and keep the “bean sludge” behind. Some filters prevent light from coming through.

With a filter, some things get through, some things get left behind. This is a double-edged sword in the business world – and in the real world.

How many times have you ignored some “minor” thing – only to find out that you should have paid more attention to it in the first place? Like the string hanging from your shirt… one little tug, and the whole thing starts to unravel.

With filters, we tend to ignore those little “fleeting” things that are easy to ignore – partly because we discount ourselves. Partly because others discount us. Partly, because we just don’t believe they are possible, or have been burned before and think that what has happened in the past will continue to happen in the future.

Without filters, we get overwhelmed, don’t know who or what to believe, and can have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees.

How do we balance?

We need what I call “Friends for the Journey“.

The “Friends” concept is simple. These are the actual people that are influencing you the most on your journey. They are your encouragers, coaches, mentors, colleagues, family, and… well… friends, that have come along side you for a period of time on this journey. They’re here to cheer you on, help you see clearly, and avoid the pitfalls they have already encountered. These Friends are on their own journey, and while they can’t solve our problems or fight our battles for us (and shouldn’t try), they are uniquely qualified with their own skill set to help us on our journey for the time that we are on the same stretch of the road together. Charlie had his Angels, Harry Potter had Ron and Hermione. They needed each other, but each had their own journey to tend.

They can also be our antagonists: those people that shake up our apple carts from time to time, telling us what we don’t want to hear – if they’re truly being helpful about it (I have a coach like this). These people may not actually be our friends, but rather hold up a mirror for us to see ourselves in a more truthful, less rosy light. Jack Dalton, for example, was an old friend of MacGyver, but he definitely shook things up a bit whenever he came to town – not always in a good way. In Harry Potter’s world, Snape, and even Dumbledore, to a lesser degree, would be those kinds of “friends.”

What I find is that most people put on filters to keep that kind of person off their radar. And it’s a shame.

Because until you see the truth of who you are – with ruthless honesty – you can never master your Shadow Self.

If we live in a world of “yes men” who always tell us we’re beautiful when we’re still trying to squeeze into pants that are a size too small, we’re not being honest with ourselves. If we’re constantly surrounded by people that let us delude ourselves into thinking we can dig ourselves out of a hole we’ve created without asking for help, we’re not being honest with ourselves.

If we’re not being honest to your Heroic Self, your Shadow Self wins.

I’ve been working on a post for Matt Langdon‘s Round Table Series – which is essentially the “all star” version of this concept. Matt graciously offers 6-8 seats at the round table – just a few more than Rohn suggests – which could potentially raise or lower your average. Matt introduced me to his Round Table idea about 3 years ago. Napoleon Hill talked about this kind of “virtual” mastermind group nearly a century ago in his classic “Think and Grow Rich“.

I review my list about every 12-18 months, to make sure it’s in alignment with who I am and where I’m headed. These appointed positions, to me, are not lifetime posts. And as I was reviewing my list for Matt, it occurred to me that my all-star list has almost always been comprised of people that are not directly connected to me. Nor would I have much of a chance of meeting these folks – either because they are dead, ficticious, or otherwise out of my current sphere of influence.

That troubled me, because while that “all-star lineup” definitely influenced the direction of my life and business, there are people much closer to me who “affect my average” on any given day. Where do these Friends – who were having an impact on a daily basis – fit into the scheme of things?

If you think of any number of MacGyver episodes, most of the time it was Mac, some chick, and Pete Thornton. But every once in a while, it was Mac and Jack Dalton – who loved to tip the apple cart. On very rare occasions, you’d see all three of them together (and yeah, very few women made a repeat appearance – go figure).

The point is that there are some people that are perennial, while some will come and go. For most of us, that “5 people we hang around most” is what’s affecting our “average” most – even more than our all-star lineup.

So I created a second list – a list of those folks that affect my average in various ways day-in and day-out.

Here’s my “IRL” list of Friends for the Journey, circa 2011:

Forest - my eldest son has, at various points, been the love of my life and the thorn in my side. His sensitivity to the world around him challenges me and makes me want to “fix” the problems of the world. His curiosity, cleverness, and ability to find a way, impress me.

Sydney Barrows – known to many as The Mayflower Madam, I met her on my birthday in 2011. Her no-nonsense New York style was a relief. Finally, another skeptic about spiritual stuff! But in working with, and getting to know Sydney better, I’ve learned that my own cynicism is a cover for a deep-rooted faith that defies a religious box. Her Roadblock Removal process has helped me lose 10 lbs, clear up family history issues that had been dogging my self-worth, and become a more honest person. She said something to me that had never crossed my mind before – and that it would be easy for me to achieve the goal. I never doubted her, though I doubted myself all the time.

Jen - It takes a special kind of person to train a cynic to be a level 1 Reiki practitioner. So many questions, so much ignorance, and Jen met it all with patience and love. She continues to be a sounding board, mirror and good friend.

Sarah Robinson – My coach and champion, she’s the first person who not only gave me permission, but encouraged me to be realistic about my goals. Then, she helped (and continues to help) me lay a plan to make them happen.

Teresa Romain – Just when I thought life was starting to drag on and on, I meet this delightful woman! Teresa opens a window to abundance, unbridled joy, and a passion for being me again. She knows when to keep the coaching hat on the rack and how to make me snort-laugh frequently.

Bonnie (and by proxy, her husband, Mark) – My right hand, and prayer warrior for two years now, without her able-bodied assistance, my business would have crashed and burned long ago. She’s friendly and personable, and all the good things an assistant should be, and she’s also my Jiminy Cricket. She really does pray for me, and the business, helping guide the spiritual conscience of my business – something I think is one of the most important pieces of how I serve others.

Ilona (pronounced “ee-loan-ah”) – I still don’t think she realizes how much I aspire to be her in some ways. She’s a beautiful, compassionate, strong mother, who really looks out for her friends, her family and those closest to her. She teaches me about loyalty, integrity, and beauty every time I see her.

“Open” – This is a space I’ve reserved for the daily/weekly/monthly folks that pass into my sphere for a short term stint. These are the “Jack Dalton’s” of my life that have a major impact on me for a time, and then pass their seat to another. Like Ted, who helps me mold my character on the stage – and sometimes off stage, too. Or DeAnna, who calls me on my crap and doesn’t let me make excuses. Or Ruth and Al – two unwavering friends who know that “life happens” and while we don’t see each other regularly, they are on the short list of people to whom I’d donate a kidney. This is “the chair of the revolving door”, I suppose, but it would be unfair to not make room for these influential friends.

On your journey, you’ll likely meet all kinds of folks. Some will walk with you a few yards, others, for miles. Some may even cross your path at multiple points on your journey. A select few may even see you all the way to the end. It’s important to choose wisely.

Ideas to help you cultivate Friends For The Journey:

1. Who are the people that influence you most on a daily basis?
2. How do you feel about that?
3. What criteria would you use to determine the people on your Round Table?
4. Who would you put on your Round Table?
5. Take a moment to express appreciation to those people, if possible.